Darlings, When I started this blog I knew one of my goals was to write about mental health in order to help others going through the same thing, because the thought of another person experiencing the feelings I have felt and thinking the most difficult, unbearable thoughts that I have thought for the past three years breaks my heart in a way I can't explain. It's a different heartache I feel when I know someone is struggling and they can't talk because I know exactly how that is and trust me it's draining. Fine became part of my dictionary but with the most opposition meaning behind it and it slowly started becoming my routine and the norm to say that, revolutionising it until I mislead people into believing I was okay, and I really wasn't. But why did I say that when I was far from it? Because this society we live in stigmatises mental health so much when the worst place you could be in is inside your own head, so why doesn't it get the coverage it needs...
I was 9 years old when my self esteem started to deteriorate. Even just writing that is upsetting, I was so young yet I was struggling already. The reasoning being that I was diagnosed with scoliosis at this age. If you don't know what scoliosis is, it is a medical condition in which causes a curvature to the spine. At the beginning it was 20 degrees, I didn't suffer with much pain but my paranoia over whether it was visible to others increased along with the percentage of my spine. Back brace for 4 years and yet my spine refused to slow down. Every checkup resulted in a drastic change in the curve and it was beginning to interfere with my breathing. By the time it was 85 degrees, I was 12 and the surgery was pushed forward because it was affecting my heart. 13 years old and I was preparing for a ten hour spine surgery. Could you even imagine the fear I was having? The thoughts such as what if I am paralysed after this? What if it isn't successful? Will I have to quit danc...
*tw: suicide* // This month is National Suicide Prevention Month. A whole month that is dedicated to raising awareness on suicide and to reduce the stigma around a public health issue that is so important. I have spoken a lot about my own experience with my mental health problems so this month is very close to my heart. In July, I got my first tattoo which was a semi colon. It is a tattoo I have wanted for so long as the meaning behind it is so important to me and I wanted it as a reminder to keep going even on my darkest days. "A semi colon is used when an author could've chosen to end their sentence, but chose not to" For years I have struggled with suicidal ideation and I have been in really dark places. It's like a huge weight that is holding me down and I struggle to get out from underneath it. Sometimes I can ignore them but other times they will overwhelm me. Most of the time the thoughts will creep up on me and catch me off guard. If I'm crossing the ro...
Comments
Post a Comment